eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Randomize
