i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
