Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
