you would pick up someone in the library
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
