never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
