I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize