I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
