If that was your dad, he is hot
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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