ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
