I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
