I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
