you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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