I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
this will be a night to untag.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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