How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
