Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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