sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize