Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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