my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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