My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
