We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
