we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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