I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
