Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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