My underwear smells like fireworks.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
