I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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