No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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