thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize