I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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