Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
