You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
