FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
