awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it's like heaven, but drunker
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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