I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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