U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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