sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
