I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
