What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
