So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
