I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
