There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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