trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
