in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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