ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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