Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
