Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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