I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
