dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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