My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
