some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize