my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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