Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
