I looked at my own cervix.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
