your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
