theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
