I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
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I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
