I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
