someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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